"Phineas & Ferb" [Povenmire-Marsh, 2007] Season 1 [Aug. '07-Mar. '09] [TV-G]

Too good to be true? Too intelligent (yeah, definitely too intelligent), well-thought-through, indiscriminating, exuberant, and overarchingly funny to be in concordance with Disney Channel's pandering, product-like sitcoms? Yes, it's all true-- but you get used to it soon enough, in fact in practically no time at all. It breaks the fourth wall, be it to "put down" its self-consciously almost-banal plot structure or its self-consciously mediocre, sometimes even dreck-y, accompanying musical numbers. A tremendous, actively irrestistible gem of a show, that deserves to be way more famous. Grade: A

"Chowder" [Greenblatt, 2007] Season 2 [Oct. '08- Jul. '09] [TV-Y7-FV]

This extraordinarily funny and well-executed show, created by an ex-SpongeBob and Billy&Mandy crew-member, combines the exuberance of Phineas & Ferb with the near-utter plotlessness of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, while being nearly as funny as either of these two shows in their prime, and also being about an inexperienced, perpetually hungry, puerile kid chef (the title character) working for a professional one ("Mung Daal"), in addition to his other, older, more experienced assistant/employee ("Shnitzel"). It is an enormous success, and deserves all the positive IMDB ratings, award nominations and more-- little weaker (or stronger) here than in the first season. Grade: A

"Sonny With a Chance" [Marmel, 2009] Season 1 [Feb.- Aug. '09]

No, not your typical 21st-century Disney Channel sitcom-- this one is about two TV shows, one sketch-comedy, one drama, both immensely popular, both being filmed in the same studio. New D.C. creature Demi Lovato, having followed first Hannah Montana, then Miley Cyrus' footsteps by becoming a pop musician, stars in the show as a character on the sketch-comedy, "So Random." Obviously enough, her character's name is Sonny [Munroe]. This show still has some obvious appeal beyond most of its D.C. sitcom kin, and I think that that would be that it is much more conceptually exuberant and self-reflexive in its aura (or whatever) than SLofZ&C, Hannah Montana [the TV show], or, I don't know, Wizards of Waverly Place. It is also a little bit less uncomfortably humorless, which helps too. Otherwise, though, besides the fact that it is new, it's pretty much an ordinary member of its aforementioned category, which is most definitely a bad thing. Grade: B MINUS

"South Park" [Stone-Parker, 1997] Season 3 [Apr. '99- Jan. '00] [TV-MA-LV]

By pushing the humor more up front here, Matt Stone and Trey Parker manage to obfuscate a pleasantly large-- though still nowhere near large enough-- portion of their inability to portray sincere and inherently humorless, even (increasingly so as time goes on) dour, scenarios. This grade may be the same as Season 1, but it is a much higher one. So S.P. more closely resembles the Eagles than the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Hmm... food for thought there, huh? Grade: B

"SpongeBob SquarePants" [Hillenburg, 1999] Season 6 [Mar. '08- Mar. '09]

Okay, now this is grotesque, this is what us SB fans have been anticipating and bracing ourselves for for more than three years now ("At long last"-- not that it's a good thing)-- as a matter of fact, it seems that the new creative monarchs who have taken over this most seminal of animated comedies are completely inept as regards what is genuinely funny- as though they're attempting so impassionedly to usher in a new era of modernity to this show that their artistic ideas may be blown hyperbolically out of their ordinary proportions. Prepare to be visually sickened when you watch this season of this show (not that you should, like, try to or anything). And admittedly, "Slide Whistle Stooges" isn't altogether terrible, in fact, it's essentially the season's best episode. But still, I am dismayed to report that even it isn't all that great. (Second place: "Spongicus/Suctioncup Symphony," in which some of the old genius and spirit of this show is also recaptured.) Grade: C

"Family Guy" [MacFarlane, 1999] Season 2 [Sep. '99- Aug. '00]

Well of course Family Guy had yet to find its groove this early on, obviously it was structurally, conceptually still exactly the same as at its apogee (i.e. season 3), but still, like the Simpsons (only less abject, thank God), it was less focused, less "refined," and overall, [only a little bit in this case] less funny here than in other [later] seasons. Rounded down, just to make a point, important as ever with this show, one which has been rightfully recognized by the public to be (sometimes only) brilliant. Grade: B

"Seinfeld" [David-Seinfeld, 1989] Season 8 [Sep. '96- May '97]

The original "show about nothing"-- or, more specifically, the lives of three everymen (and one everywoman) (relatively speaking, anyway) in New York City and whatever Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld choose to portray as what happens to them therein. It's famous as a sitcom-- not to mention long-lived for a reason-- it's hilarious with nearly perfect consistency (and of course quality). There's really nothing else to say about this show, which definitely warrants your attention, should you have not given it thereto yet. Grade: A PLUS

"The Simpsons" [Groening, 1989] Season 1 [Dec. '89- May '90] [TV-PG]

The Simpsons when it was cruder, less focused, and above all (and as proceeds from this), less funny. Of course this is in perfect compliance with all the rumors, so it seems a little harder to believe, but it is true nevertheless-- I don't want to have to say it, really, but still-- one must avoid this season (not all that hard to do, of course) at all costs. Grade: C

At last, it's time for the July 2009 consumer guide: Z Rock, Sonny With a Chance, ATHF (twice), and more!

Also, I should note that this consumer guide will be divided into two parts: the "Turkey Shoot" (yes, I know Robert Christgau came up with it first), a compilation of bad TV seasons, which began with ATHF's first season, and the featured albums, all of which will recieve grades nno lower than a B PLUS.

"Family Guy" [McFarlane, 1999] Season 3 [Jul. '01- Nov. '03]

This nihilistic animated comedy has attained legendary status, becoming one of the most ineffably famous shows of the 21st century, and quite easily the most famous animated one (The Simpsons had already begun to fade by then). So the first-time viewer just about has to approach this most crudely drawn of shows with trepidation and lofty expectations. Fortunately, these expectations were in fact met-- and then some. That the people who write for this show (not Seth Macfarlane himself, he's just the creator) should be gay is, as so many people now know, a good thing, because they can observe the world and its individual environments from a distance and engineer them to provide humor in what adds up to be tremendous quantities. This does mean, however, that their vocabulary d/b/a/ that of the show's characters is almost invariably about that of a third-grader. Known for its frequent changes of scene (not really flashbacks per se), there actually aren't that many in this season, in which Family Guy is at its very Family-Guy-est. Grade: A

"Z Rock" [IFC, 2008] Season 2 [Jun. '09- cont.] [TV-MA-L]

This show, from a channel (the "Independent Film Channel") that prides itself on its motto, "always uncut," is about a real-life band, named "ZO2," and their multifarious escapades. Indeed, it does master the unedited, quasi-real-life though artificially-created aesthetic better than most, but it is still notable that it is not really all that funny, its unremitting use of expletives (remember the "uncut" thing?) notwithstanding. Grade: B

"Fairly OddParents" [Hartman, 2001] Season 3 [Nov. '02- Sep. '04]

Maintaining a trite, self-contained ebullience that makes Dan Povermire and Swampy Marsh down at Phineas and Ferb seem tremendously, hugely dour and down-to-earth by comparison, Butch Hartman et al. have never been as funny-- not by a long shot-- as he/they would like so much to believe. In its place is-- well, something that would have been there anyway, but becomes all the more prominent in the lack of humor, but anyway-- sheer, unmitigated, thorougly well-founded, rebellious, puerile ebullience, which, when you are appalled in the face of the show's void, may very well leave you feeling guilty-- nah, you'll get over it soon enough. Grade: C (MINUS)

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force" [Maiellaro-Willis, 2000] Season 1 [Dec. '00-Dec. '02]

ATHF before it had successfully found its groove (humorwise, anyway-- the basic structural format of the show has remained nearly identical throughout its history up to season 5 or so, so formalists should not find disappointment here). Otherwise, avoid at all costs. Grade: C PLUS

"South Park" [Comedy Central, 1997] Season 9 [Mar.-Dec. '05]

Well, over eight years, and as I have been told, little about this inexplicably popular, crude (both visually and content-wise) animated Seinfeld rip has changed. Yep, Matt Stone and Trey Parker are still WAYYYYYYY dumber than they obviously think they are, the show is still not really that funny, so the show still falls flat on its face, since it can never venture into the topically transcendent (i.e. extra-comedy) territory it is striving for all too often, leaving the viewer to have to contemplate the (humorous/comedic) void that takes up about three-quarters of the show's duration. Seriously, I feel like Robert Christgau reviewing the Red Hot Chili Peppers- "Oh crap, they have another album out, they're just BAD, can we leave it at that? Really, I would like to like them, given the tremendous, even ineffable, hype. But I just can't seem to find any way around consistently disliking them. (Of course I made all that up myself.) But of course I am obliged to review each offering from them, lest I resent possibly having let a good, even great, effort elude me." Grade: B MINUS